The First
by Sarahjane
Summary: Archer thinks about what it has meant for him to be the first starship captain.


DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Paramount, I am just borrowing them for a while.  
  
The First  
  
I am the first. Who knows how many hundreds, maybe thousands, are to come, but I will always be the first starship captain. I am the first to bear this responsibility, to know how it feels to have the burden on my shoulders. I can feel all of humanity--from those who have gone to those who are to come--staring at me, watching and critiquing every move that I make. I can feel their eyes bore into the back of my skull as they record every decision, every word, every gesture for the history books. I can't make one move without realizing that they are there, watching me.  
  
I envy Trip. He is so free without those eyes on him. Maybe they stray to him from time to time, but the focus is always on me. I am never out of their spotlight, and I envy Trip so much for his position on the edge of the light. He and I have been friends for a long time, but this is one road that I must walk alone. He has the companionship of so many on his voyage, but mine is a solitary one. He has a wife and kids, and who do I have? No one.  
  
I had my chance at those things. A wife...kids...I sigh with regret, for once those things were within my grasp. But I turned away and let them slip through my fingers. Not because I didn't want them, but because I was--I am--a captain first. I know it was my decision to put my career first, but that's no consolation when I lie alone at night. It's those times when I would gladly give up everything for Trip's life. The Tuckers really are the perfect family out of an old TV show: Mom, Dad, two kids...hell, all they're missing is the dog.  
  
It's really my choice that enabled Trip to have all of those things. There was a time when the three of us were poised in the perfect triangle: me, Trip, and T'Pol. We were "The Great Triumverate"--a trio so tightly knit that we could not move without tripping over each other. There was undeniable tension back then, and not just because of our conflicting viewpoints. We knew that our mission would one day be over and that this triangle would collapse. Trip and I were both attracted to T'Pol; many nights I would replay moments that we had shared together, longing for something more. And yet in the end, I let Trip have her, leaving myself with nothing but those memories.  
  
At night I lie awake and wonder what brought me down this path. Was I destined to be the first, to wind up alone with only memories to keep me company? Or was it chance that cast me into that big chair. The one thing that I do know is that the moment I sat in that chair, my fate was sealed. There was no way I could have made any other choices than the ones I made. Maybe someday captains will be able to be human, but certainly not me, not with all of those eyes on me. I had to hide all of that, every bit of me that yearned for companionship. They say that the top is a lonely place to be, and I have to agree. Everyone else formed a bond, everyone else loved, hated, worked, played, laughed, cried together. Not me. I was always alone. Only Trip and T'Pol could break my solitude, but in the end even they could not save me.  
  
At the time it seemed like the best decision, and though it hurt, I saw that I was doing the right thing. Not so now. Back then I was caught up in the moment, but now I see the full consequences of my decision. I see Trip and his family and realize all that I gave up. With one decision I eliminated all hope of having a wife and children, of having a life outside of Starfleet. That is all I have now--my work. And even that has been partially stripped of me; I have been promoted and given a nice desk in San Francisco. Never mind that I stare up at the night sky and dream of going back there. Oh no, I took my honors and commendations and went quietly back to Earth, even though I had nothing here to look forward to besides a life of solitude. By the time I came back, it was too late for me to escape my fate. I was sealed inside the confines that my job created. Trip and T'Pol broke free and created a life together, but it was too late for me, and besides, I had no one reason to try. I had nothing anymore; I had held onto my ship for so long that when it was finally taken away from me, I found that I had nothing left.  
  
Trip does his best to drag me out of my solitude, and I have to appreciate his efforts. He invites me to spend all holidays with him, as well as birthdays, and any "Trip holidays" as T'Pol calls them, such as "Archer's Comet Day," "Enterprise Launching Day," or "End of Our Mission Day." But being with his family just reminds me of what I don't have, so lately I've been refusing more and more, instead spending time pondering my solitude.  
  
I was supposed to go over today, being as it is my birthday, but when I woke up this morning I couldn't bear the thought of being surrounded by Trip's happiness. I knew that I couldn't put on a good show today, smiling and pretending that I don't envy his life. So instead I'm alone in my apartment, staring out the window at the stars. It's at these moments that I realize how alone I truly am. I never would have dreamed that I would wind up this way, a lonely middle-aged man spending his birthday alone. Even Porthos left a few years ago. All I have are my memories of better days. Days when I was a starship captain. Are there any sweeter words? Those were the best days of my life. Back then I could have it all. Sure I was a little lonely, and all the pressure lay heavily on my shoulders, but I still had Trip and T'Pol. There was nothing the three of us could not do together. We marched into the unknown with our heads held high, eager for adventure.  
  
And now look at me. The moment we stepped off of the Enterprise for the last time, everything crumbled. The world we had created for ourselves had dissintigrated. Everyone moved on and made a new life...except me. I had nothing left to hang onto. Phlox continued traveling, guided only by his fascination with other cultures. Hoshi had her love of languages and new expertise, and she went off to teach at one of the most prestigous universities on Earth. Travis went back in space; he's still out there, flying through the vast expanse of space in which he was born. Malcolm went back to Starfleet, mumbling something about new weapons and tractor beams. And of course Trip and T'Pol went off together, determined to make one life out of their two very different ones.  
  
But as for me, I was lost. I had nothing else. It was too late to find something that could drive me for the rest of my life. I had put my career first, but I didn't even have that anymore. They ripped the Enterprise out of my hands, leaving me with a desk job, my memories, and many regrets.  
  
I still don't know how I could have done it differently, though. Fate called me to be the first, and I accepted the challenge. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I can't call those times a mistake. And yet being a captain carries with it so many burdens. You have to give up everything for this job. I lost any hope of a future beyond the captain's chair the moment I stepped on board. And all I gained in exchange was worry, regret, and crushing responsibility.  
  
I don't even know if it was all worth it. I guess that's the wrong question. Fate called, and I answered. That's all that matters. I didn't know what I was getting into--hell, I wonder if any of the captains to come can begin to imagine the fate that awaits them--but I still had to face the consequences. Trip got off easy; the stars are in his blood, but his feet are firmly rooted to the ground. At the end of our journey, he could return to Earth and call it his home. As for me, all I have left is the knowledge that I accepted the stars' call to me. Trip has his children and wife, but all I have are records that those eyes made as they relentlessly pounded me, recording my every move. All I have left is this legacy: Jonathon Archer--The First. 


End file.
